i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
