I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
