The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
