I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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