I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize