I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My life is pants optional.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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