dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
