some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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