Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
