The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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