Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
