what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
