Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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