Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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