I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish i was in the wii world.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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