____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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