Umm I'm too high to move.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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