do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
