If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
