I think I won the penis lottery.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
