He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
