Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
