It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize