I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
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