When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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