He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
