My Higher Power is John Stamos
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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