I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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