I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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