Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
