I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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