1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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