Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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