Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
