hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
