First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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