I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This baby is an asshole
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
