I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
