Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
