Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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