just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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