dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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