At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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