so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
