My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
