the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
