i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
