It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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