He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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