can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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