I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize