I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
