I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This is classic penis vs brain.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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