i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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