Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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