My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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