i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
