I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
